My friends keep telling me I have bad boundaries. What exactly are boundaries and how do I know if I have bad ones?

People often hear this complaint, and you have good friends who are willing to give you this honest feedback. They have likely observed this in one or both of two ways. First, you may "cross a line" in relationship with them at times, perhaps offering unsolicited advice or expecting to be included in an event to which you haven't been invited. Second, these same friends may observe you being taken advantage of by others - they see that others "cross a line" with you, and that you give much more than you get back.

Even the expression "cross a line" speaks to the nature of boundaries. Boundaries are unseen, protective barriers that we create by thought and feeling and express in our behavior in relationships. They protect us and enable us to protect others, because they keep people out of our space and keep us from inappropriately invading theirs. This barrier is necessary if we are to have a sense of who we are that is distinct from the family, friends, and colleagues around us. Without boundaries we would be more vulnerable to physical, sexual and emotional abuse. They further keep us from either blaming others for our thoughts, feelings, and behavior or allowing them to blame us. Most importantly, because with healthy, flexible boundaries we know we can protect ourselves in relationships, we are free to develop intimacy that is appropriate to the nature of the relationship (familial, romantic, professional, etc.)

You may struggle with boundaries if you are frequently frustrated by a relationship but feel you "don't have a choice" about that relationship. People with bad boundaries often unconsciously believe that in order to keep the relationship it's up to them to give in to another's wants or needs, or constantly yield their own wants and needs. Most of us hit adulthood with the same boundaries our parents or caregivers had. Adult survivors of abuse or adult children of addicts are likely to struggle most in this area. Artists and creative types often struggle even more with the issue because they are constantly in situations that require them to be vulnerable with themselves and their work.

A healthy relationship allows for both people to have their needs and wants included in the ongoing unfolding of the relationship. A healthy relationship remains intact even if one person says, "No." It can tolerate disagreement of opinion, or a statement of "I feel differently than you do."

Christians often believe wrongly that their faith requires them to be boundary-less in the name of kindness, a giving attitude, forgiveness and grace. We can look to Jesus as our example of healthy boundaries. Jesus did not invade other's boundaries (John 5:6), Jesus had good boundaries himself (Mark 6:31), he did not make decisions for others (Mark 10:17-22), and he did not let others make decisions for him (Matthew 19:13-15). (These examples are from "Counseling Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Sandra Wilson, 1989, p. 186).

You may want to take a look at "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody (1989), or the John Townsend/Henry Cloud series on Boundaries. These excellent resources will help you understand your own struggles. If after doing some reading on the subject you are still struggling, you may want to talk to a therapist who can assist you in understanding your unique pain and help you learn to protect yourself.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com