Question: Ever since high school I have had a lot of friends… but I don’t feel like anyone really knows me… How do I let people in? Sometimes it feels like more work than it’s worth.

Having, making, and keeping close friends when we are adults can be infinitely more challenging than when we were in high school. In high school we had many critical things in common with our friends – age, where we lived, and shared experiences with classes, school activities, church activities, and cultural activities. Frequently we saw our friends daily in high school and yet could still fill hours outside school in conversation, in person or wired. We tended to know almost everything about those friends – frequently we knew their families, their habits, their struggles, and their pain, often living it alongside them. College is a step apart from that, in that we had many things in common (like dorm life) but much to learn. Additionally, there were many ready-made ways to meet people for those outgoing enough to seek them.

All that is to say that, following your question, it simply wasn’t that much work for most people in those circumstances to meet people and get to know them well enough to feel connected and comfortable. Once you are an adult in the “real world,” especially if you relocated for a job or career, it can feel like – and is -- significant work to make and maintain meaningful relationships. Churches and jobs can be places to meet people with whom you have something in common, but everyone seems so busy and so involved in their own lives and families that it can feel risky to reach out beyond the boundaries of the natural setting.

Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Most adults consider themselves blessed to have a small handful of people whom they consider “close friends.” It may make more sense for you to consider the people you already know, decide which ones you truly enjoy and feel comfortable with, and actively pursue those friendships by taking the initiative in getting together for coffee or another shared interest, from movies to jogging. The large social circles of previous life circumstances may not occur naturally anymore,

One’s personality is a critical factor. For those who are outgoing or naturally gregarious, the constant meeting people and following up with those you connect with is energizing. For those who are more introverted, the very thought of attending parties or church events carries what can feel like a huge burden – that of making good on one’s stated intention to get to know people.

Then, there is the other emotional work of relationships that really can be overwhelming, and perhaps this is more to the point of your question. Real intimate friendships are work – the work of choosing to be vulnerable once you’ve found someone you consider trustworthy. Once you’ve chosen to be vulnerable, you have put yourself “out there” and you cannot control how people will respond. They may respond in accordance with the trust you placed in them, but they may also respond – perhaps even unwittingly – in rejecting or callous ways. As scripture tells us, do not throw your pearls before swine.
The trouble is, it is often difficult to recognize these swine until we have already offered them our pearls. Then we are left holding our damaged treasure – and we often retreat back into the safety of isolation, frightened to try again. Isolation may feel safe, but it is also lonely.

If this feels closer to where you live right now – somewhat isolated and afraid to reach out – you may consider some therapy. Self-esteem and boundary issues can often come into play, and professional emotional support can equip you to continue the attempts even though some of the outcomes are painful. Unless you find a way to continue to take the risks, you may never find that good friend who is out in the world hoping to meet you too.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com