I recently got engaged, and my fiancé and I are having a lot of fights. Most of the fights start because she is upset at how much porn I look at. I probably should never have told her about it, I didn't think it was a big deal. She wants me to stop. I don't know how. And I don't understand why it matters to her so much. It's not like I'm sleeping with other people or cheating on her?

This is a multi-layered question about a complex issue. Your use of porn is a big deal for two reasons: First, you say you don't know how to stop. It therefore sounds like an addiction. Second, you are about to enter into marriage, and your use of pornography is upsetting to your fiancé. It is both a personal issue for you and an interpersonal issue between you and your fiancé.

For you personally, if you are finding it difficult to give up porn use despite the fact that someone you care about a great deal has asked you to, it may be an addiction. This is amazingly common, as much among Christians as non-Christians, and has risen exponentially with the advent of the Internet and easy, relatively private access to online pornography. As an addiction, it can be best understood as any other addiction such as drugs or alcohol. If you find yourself drawn to porn when you are under emotional stress, or when you are feeling lonely, sad, angry or depressed, then it is possible that you are using porn to numb those feelings in the same way an alcoholic would turn to the bottle. I am therefore concerned about your coping mechanisms and the manner in which you manage the strong, painful feelings that all humans experience regularly.

With respect to your relationship with your fiancé, I am glad you told her about it, because she would have discovered it eventually. Then, you would be dealing not only with the issues it brings up now but also with the betrayal of having withheld the information. She may believe that you are addicted to porn, and is rightly concerned about entering into an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who exhibits addictive behavior.

Obviously, though, it can be more complex than that for a woman when the addiction is to pornography. A wife or girlfriend often, understandably, believes that her partner's use of porn is a reflection on her sexual desirability. She may compare herself to the women of pornographic fantasy and find herself lacking, or fear that you are doing the same. Pornography use is not usually about dissatisfaction with one's partner, but in a way this is beside the point.

The point is she is uncomfortably with it, and she will feel unsafe and vulnerable in relationship with you as long as porn is a part of it. You may not technically be having an affair or cheating on her, but she is responding strongly to the fact that emotional energy that she would like directed toward her - the metabolism of strong, human feelings -- is being channeled into an activity that she, like many, finds offensive.

This is not a healthy context from which to begin a marriage. I would recommend delaying your wedding until personally you have taken inventory of the role of pornography in your life, and until together you have come to some mutual understanding about it.

As you consider this issue, you may want to read "Every Man's Battle," by Steven Arterburn and Fred Stoeker (with Mike Yorkey), or Jack and Judy Balswick's "Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach." This second book contains an excellent chapter on pornography with an enlightening discussion of the distinction between erotica and pornography, along with biblical perspectives on both.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com