How much of my spiritual life should be shared with my spouse? How much should I be praying and doing scripture reading with them vs alone?

There is no "normal" or "healthy" amount of shared spiritual life in Christian couples. It depends entirely upon the wants, needs, tastes and preferences of the individuals and the intentions you have for your shared spiritual life.

Spirituality is an area in which couples are often surprised or disappointed following marriage. Like other arenas that become unexpectedly complicated -- such as role expectations, sex, finances, and amount of time spent with family and friends - expectations about a couple's spiritual life are often informed more by assumptions than intentions. We may imagine an ideal - perhaps not even consciously -- but unless we are clear about verbalizing this to our spouse, it's highly unlikely to just magically happen that way. It is important, first, to recognize that being intentional about a shared spiritual life is something you value (or don't). Second, you must bring it up to your partner as a value, and if your partner agrees, begin to process together what you want that life to look like. Sorting through the degree to which each partner values a shared spiritual life can be a rewarding but also painful process. Ideally, this conversation will occur before marriage, and I consider it a standard part of pre-marital counseling regardless of religious background.

If you were a Christian before marriage, you likely had a spiritual life in some form. This may have included regular church attendance, adult education or small group participation, ministry and mission involvement, personal reading and prayer. Your choice to participate in any or all of these activities was likely informed by your family and cultural background, denomination, personal tastes and preferences, and personality. An extroverted personality may express his faith with mission trips, group participation, and high connectedness with other Christians. A more introverted personality may prefer reading Christian books and scripture and spending time alone with God in meditation. The person you married is a complex interaction of the above plus much more. For example, an introverted Catholic woman who marries a contemporary worship pastor may have much more to negotiate than two Presbyterians who met on a mission trip - or maybe not. The possible permutations of these interacting subjectivities can be staggering, and the manner in which you and your spouse choose to share your spiritual life is one of the ways your partnership can uniquely glorify God.

Another critical factor to keep in mind is that shared spiritual life in marriage or in any relationship is a form of emotional intimacy. The degree to which we choose to be vulnerable by sharing worship, group participation, scripture reading, and prayer may reflect the manner and degree to which we feel comfortable with intimacy in all circumstances. Your shared spiritual intimacy will need to grow and evolve over time as you each grow and change as individuals and as you become accustomed to sharing your life together in all its manifestations.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com