My mom came to visit last week and all week I felt this huge burden of stress in trying to make sure she liked where I lived, liked my church, liked the fun things I planned. and of course she had complaints about everything. When she left she said she'd like to come back with my dad in a couple of months. How do I tell her no? Or how do I make her next visit different?

This is so common that it would be funny if not for being so overwhelming and painful. Parents visiting and the dueling expectations inherent in the situation are the stuff of sitcoms, films, stories, and countless sessions of therapy.

Your situation is confusing, too - Mom complained about everything but she wants to come back and bring Dad. The trip must have been acceptable on some front to her! However, the burden of earning her approval and protecting yourself from her has made the idea of a return trip very unappealing to you. As you have noted, your choices are to forbid them to visit, or to learn how to protect yourself from their intrusiveness. Since forbidding their coming avoids the issue and fails to resolve it, this route will not serve the long-term growth of either you or your relationship with your parents. I would therefore recommend learning to protect yourself from them, which is a boundary issue.

First, you need to give up the burden of trying to make sure your Mom likes your home, church, activities, and such. You are an adult and you are free to make your own lifestyle choices. As the mother of an adult child, it is your mother's responsibility to accept your choices even if she differs with you. If you find it difficult to believe or to own that you have a right to your own life regardless of your mother's opinion, it will be difficult for you to protect yourself from her opinions and her constant stating of them.

Secondly, does you mother actually complain, or is she more inclined to a running commentary, as in "This neighborhood seems so crowded," "I never liked a church this big," "Museums require so much walking," etc? Often what we hear as complaints - especially when we're sensitive and hoping for approval - are simply comments that require little or no response. Our need for approval will hook us into a conversation in which we try to prove to others that their perspective is incorrect and that we are therefore acceptable and worthy.

For example, if Mom comments that the neighborhood is crowded, you can simply respond, yes, it is, and leave it at that. If she presses the issue, tell her it's a great way to meet people. If she continues to press the issue, tell her firmly and clearly that it's not an issue for you, and you'd appreciate it if she'd drop the subject.

This is where the issue of boundaries comes to the fore: Are you able to have a conversation like this? If you struggle, as many do, it's important to explore and understand why you so desire your parents' approval and why you fear displeasing them. Part of adult maturity is the ability to tolerate that parents and others may envision different scripts for us than we do for ourselves, and to feel confident in asserting our own script.

So, make your parents' next visit different by casting yourself as the protagonist in your own story, rather as a supporting character in theirs! You'll all enjoy the visit much more.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com